318: Parenting-Style Smackdown

Welcome! To listen to today’s episode, scroll down to the very bottom of this post and hit the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!
Recently an NPC member brought up a hugely important issue, and it sparked a whole line of thinking for me that led us to this video!

Here’s the issue: “It would be interesting to hear some data/facts on how harmful NOT disciplining your kids can be. So many times we focus on the negative effects of discipline – spanking, timeouts, etc., but what’s easy to forget is just how dangerous it is to take a backseat parenting your children.”

So let’s have a parenting-style smackdown:
Which is worse, Passive or Dictatorial Parenting?

The winner is… Both!
The worst parts of passive parenting – the lack of boundaries and having any expectations about our children’s behavior – and the worst parts of authoritarian (which here I’m calling dictatorial or autocratic) – exerting control, simply for control’s sake – both amount to a kind of neglect.

  • The passive parenting amounts to neglect because it is terrifying for children to not have any boundaries or expectations for good behavior.
  • The authoritarian parenting amounts to neglect because in this style, no thought is given to the child’s experience, thinking, or ability to reason.

What should we do instead?
We should try to hit the middle of the spectrum. Somewhere between the extremes of Passive, and Authoritarian, lies Authoritative, also called Wise. It’s the kind of parenting that will help you raise healthy and happy kids.
“The children of psychologically Wise parents,” Angela Duckworth writes in Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, fare better than children raised in any other kind of household.”

We dive into all that today!
I hope it helps you garner the courage to make any necessary changes in your parenting style.

Links and notes at: weturnedoutokay.com/318
Special thank you to the ninja parent who asked this question. I hope this helps <3

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Key Links:

I reference Angela Duckworth’s awesome book, Grit, in this recording, especially in describing the parenting styles.

Click here for the course I did on “helping kids get along with other kids,” including LOTS about getting along with brothers and sisters. (The course is located in the Ninja Parenting Community, and accessible only by members… Click here to become a member.)

Click here for Episode 197, my conversation with Dr. Catherine Pearlman, author of Ignore It!

Click here for the initial documentary on Mrs. Jane Elliott, the teacher who found a unique way to help our children understand what it’s like to be discriminated against, Eye of the Storm.

Click here for the Frontline documentary about these former students, and Mrs. Elliott, 14 years later.

Click here for The Adventure Zone – but NOT around the kiddos. Definitely.

Thank you so much for watching/listening!