As a child development expert one of the most important jobs I have is to give parents permission to disagree with teachers or other authority figures in their children’s lives.
Starting at around the 50-minute mark we talk about that. It’s coming up for many podcast listeners and Ninja Parents right now, and it’s important to discuss!
But first, I share three super important lessons that I learned the hard way recently, by ending up in the hospital with diverticulitis. It’s the illness I had nine years ago that brought on the tendon condition that I lived with ever since, so there was some serious PTSD in getting it again!
It was no accident that I got it now, in the pandemic with pressure mounting societally, in our home, and with the families I serve.
I got it by failing to adhere to these lessons, which I will list for you right now:
1. On the Human-Dehumanized Axis, stay close to the Human side.
Maybe it means unplugging, but it definitely means connecting more on a human level.
Be sure that, when connecting with folks having to do with your child, that they are very human too.
2. Remember that sugar is an inflammatory food.
What we need is good nutrition! I’m a living example of what happens when you don’t get that.
3. Understand your own worth.
How you think about yourself matters. I forgot that, and had to undergo a very painful and scary illness as a result.
Most of all, in thinking about these three lessons I want you to think about where you are “coming from” with regard to them.
This isn’t about me telling you “here’s a list of stuff you need to do.”
It’s about coming from a place of human connection.
It’s about coming from a place of good nutrition, most of the time, without worry or pressure.
It’s about coming from a place of feeling worthy – both for ourselves, and for what we model for our children.
Here are the links that come up in today’s conversation:
For the first time since creating the We Turned Out Okay Playbook, as a result of my hospitalization I’m doing it myself (instead of just writing it for others)!
Click https://weturnedoutokay.com/playbook to learn more about the Playbook!
You’ll learn why the kind of parent that we are matters, especially right now… and you’ll hear how these two wonderful educators take my very cynical Roundtable question and turn it around. You’ll also hear their awesome Roundtable questions for us all to discuss – one pertains to the election, and so I felt I had to publish this episode today, so you’ve got a couple weeks to listen!
Evie and Sarah brought me onto their show in early March 2020, just before the pandemic changed everything. If you listen to that episode, you’ll notice that I identify myself as one kind of parent (what Evie and Sarah would now call a Crescent-style parent)… When I bring them onto my show in episode 340, just a few months later – but after our world has completely changed – my parenting style has completely changed too. I’ve become a Constellation-style parent. For all the wrong reasons!
In the interview portion of today’s episode, I share about my current parenting style, a perfect split between Crescent and Constellation, and how I’ve made my peace with that.
We also talk about their new book! It’s called Modern Manners for Moms and Dads, and you can download the first chapter for free by clicking here: http://evieandsarah.com/book!
Did you notice, I referred to the “interview portion” of today’s episode?
That’s because as I have moved into publishing every other week, it’s opened up really interesting and cool opportunities for making the show just a little different.
As the weather has begun changing here in New England, it’s time to transfer out of my summertime ankle-high socks and into something that keeps my legs considerably warmer.
I know that I’m making a good transition from season to season when I can feel enthusiastic about the socks I’m going into, even as I miss the socks I’m coming out of.
For years I’ve gotten these great wool socks from (of all places) Ocean State Job Lot. These socks are heaven on my feet, they are more than 80% merino wool, they stay warm when they get wet, and they just feel so good to wear. Bonus, they are like eight dollars for two pair – similar socks in Amazon are four times that.
So, an amazing deal all around!
For me, autumn is a time of celebration, where we are headed into the part of the year that feels best to me. I’m in survival mode spring and summer, just not a warm weather person.
So I do really celebrate when it’s time to put on these awesome socks!
Stay with me, I’ll come back to the socks in a moment…
As the pandemic has progressed I’ve noticed I’m getting more and more migraines.
I’ve always been prone to migraines but in the last three or four months I have experienced more of these debilitating headaches than I have for the past 13 years.
(Not coincidentally, 13 years ago is when I took control of my oldest’s education. He had been experiencing night terrors, weight loss, and other scary symptoms because the academic pressure of first grade was making him sick. As he got better, so did my migraines. As I say, not a coincidence.)
As I write about the last time I was having many migraines, I see a lot of similarities between now and then… In the pandemic so much is out of my control. So much feels out of control in any case!
Greetings! If this feels like a pretty ambitiously named episode, well, that’s because this is where we are in fall 2020.
We are on the bleeding edge of crisis parenting, and there is a feeling in the air of “this is where our society fails or succeeds.”
(At least that’s how it feels to me! You are very welcome to disagree. Either way, I hope this episode gives you a roadmap to success on your parenting journey, and some hope.)
Whether a society succeeds or fails is in large part dependent upon the how that society raises its children.
If there was ever a time to call what we are all doing “crisis parenting,” now is it.
In this episode, I bring you a critical tool to help you keep going!
I also share about why I called this show “We Turned Out Okay, The Modern Parent’s Guide to Old-School Parenting.”
A mom in the WTOO Facebook group asked that question, and this Basics Bootcamp episode seemed like the perfect time to talk about that!
I’m so excited to bring you today’s guest, Phyllis Fagell, LCPC, mom, school counselor, and author of the wonderful book Middle School Matters.
Phyllis helps us (yes – I include myself in here : )
– Pick our battles
– Talk with teachers and caregivers
– Figure out what we CAN do
In short Phyllis helps us feel in control of our family’s direction right now.
That’s SO important, given this extremely shaky start to the school year and our worries about the pandemic, downright silly politics, and the need for racial and social justice.
Not to mention our own need to pour from a full cup and not an empty one.
Given all that, I know you are going to LOVE our conversation!
You can find Phyllis, and all the wonderful work she does, by going to PhyllisFagell.com <3
Links that come up in today’s episode:
Because we’ve gone to and every-other-week schedule, in each episode I offer a back episode of We Turned Out Okay, something you can listen to in our off week!
Today, I bring you my first conversation with Raeshal Solomon, from episode 215. Raeshal single-handedly got herself out from under a mountain of debt, while living with a serious chronic illness. She’s a money expert, but more than that she is an expert in keeping going! I know you are going to love this conversation.
(Raeshal was also a part of OkayCon 2020, my Free Virtual Summit from this past March, right at the beginning of the pandemic. Click weturnedoutokay.com/328 for Raeshal’s wonderful contribution to OkayCon 2020.)
I’m excited to share, I will be part of the Reignite Toddler Play global virtual summit coming up at the end of this month! I don’t have the link yet, but as soon as I do I will drop it in here. Holly Peretz, the creator of the Virtual Summit interviewed me this past week and I just know you’re going to love this conference!
I’m spending September offering you HOPE…
– Click here to watch the first module of my premium “How to Keep Going” course, absolutely free, right there on the page.
– On that page you can also sign up to get the ENTIRE “How to Keep Going course, completely free! (You can also do that by clicking here.)
– “A life raft for families who are struggling to stay afloat.” That’s what Janine Halloran, LMHC, author of Coping Skills for Kids and Coping Skills for Teens recently said about my We Turned Out Okay Playbook. That is high praise indeed! Check out the Playbook for yourself by going to weturnedoutokay.com/playbook. You can subscribe for the October issue on that page, too!
I’ve been working on the We Turned Out Okay Playbook now for many months, and Issue 1/August 2020 is finally out! [Enrollment for Issue 1 wraps up on 8/1/2020… Enrollment for Issue 2/September 2020 begins mid-August : ]
Go to weturnedoutokay.com/playbook for more information and to subscribe…
Also, there is a music component to the Playbook that I describe more in depth in today’s newsletter. So read on for that : )
This is the latest in my summer-long series, taking you on my journey of recovering from overwhelm and burnout and learning ways to sustainably keep going. Click here for the first installment, “Feeling guilty,” and click here for last week’s update, “What is in our control?”
SENSITIVE EARS ALERT… Part way through this episode I share about a traumatic event that happened to me in my childhood. I ask that you put on headphones, or listen away from sensitive ears. Thank you!
Today I share three keys to success, when parenting in a pandemic or any crisis.
They are not difficult keys. Because if they were, we wouldn’t be able to do them as consistently as they need doing…
Instead, the first key is relaxing, the second key is enjoyable, and the the third key takes something negative and frames it to be positive.
Also: the day before I recorded this episode I had a total brainwave.
I connected up my superpower – helping people feel seen and cared for – to the reason I have this gift, and have had ever since I can remember.
It’s not a pretty reason.
When I was seven years old I was sexually abused, in my own home, with my mom right upstairs. (She was completely unaware, and I would be a senior in college before she discovered the extent of the trauma. In my first book, Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, I share about what my folks did that was helpful, even though they had no idea what had happened to me.)
After the incident, my whole personality changed. I felt lost, anxious every time we drove out of my ken in the car, and convinced that if I lost sight of my family, they had deserted me.
The day before recording this episode I had the following brainwave:
My superpower comes from the fact that no one gave me the care that I needed, no one came to my rescue on that day. No one had found me when I was lost.
So, I had to learn to do that for myself.
I had to take care of little Karen, because no one else was there to do that.
And it’s left me with a unique ability, that I’ve been practicing ever since: to make people feel seen, and cared for.
It’s become the defining value of my life.
So if you’re feeling lost, or as if no one cares about you, let me be that person for you.
As a child development expert, I’ve never yet met a parent who didn’t have some concerns for their children.
If you’re feeling like everything is impossible right now – lockdown, mask etiquette, school-at-at home, chaos in one corner and fire in another – I can help.