Raise successful, fulfilled kids by avoiding this big mistake | Podcast Episode 247

Today’s show dives into something difficult to imagine, when your kids are so young and your focus is on stuff like temper tantrums, sibling fights, and picky eaters.

We can wonder, what miracle will occur, just in the next decade or so, to change my kid from being so young and helpless, to someone who can lead a successful, fulfilled, and happy life?

Today, I’m beginning a deep dive into the idea of raising successful and fulfilled kids.

The idea was born years ago, when friends would lament the idea of the lack of business and entrepreneurship education in K-12 school.

Then several months ago it crystallized, when a friend, thinking he was motivating his child, changed his boy’s internally-motivated entrepreneurial activity to one with strings attached (the boy wouldn’t get his weekly allowance unless he worked on this previously for-fun, now parent mandated business activity.)

Today I share how you can avoid making this mistake.
Because it IS a huge mistake – and the repercussions can ripple out over your child’s entire adult life.

This is one we really need to get right, so listen in and find out how.

Go to weturnedoutokay.com/247 for:

  • A cheat sheet on the 4 steps outlined in this episode that you can take to avoid this mistake
  • What’s up in the We Turned Out Okay universe, including tons of free resources : )
  • The video of the week: “Introverted parent, extroverted child”

And thank you so much for listening! Continue reading “Raise successful, fulfilled kids by avoiding this big mistake | Podcast Episode 247”

Podcast Episode 162: When Praise Is Harmful to Children – A Your Child Explained Episode

Welcome! To listen to today’s episode, scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post and hit the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

Do you tell your kids how beautiful they are, or how smart they are? This past Tuesday’s conversation with Nicole Gardner reminded me once more how dangerous praise – at least the wrong kind of praise – is.

Read the show notes for today’s episode, about how to make sure you’re giving the right kind of praise (and not the harmful kind of praise) by clicking the link below…

You’ll also find an installment of my new YouTube video series, Parents Time-Out, that addresses this issue as well – if you’ve only got a few minutes, but you want to understand how praise can hurt, the video is the place to start.

Go to weturnedoutokay.com/162 to check it out, and have a great day! Continue reading “Podcast Episode 162: When Praise Is Harmful to Children – A Your Child Explained Episode”

Podcast Episode 160: Kids and Conflicts; How to Help – Part 3 in the Open-Ended Play Series

Welcome! To listen to today’s episode, scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post and hit the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

Does your child ever get into arguments, verbal or otherwise? What’s your instinct when this happens – do you want to jump in and smooth everything over?

That’s not an unusual reaction, because we parents really hate it when our kids fight!

In this Just You and Me episode, we dig into why “smoothing everything over” is detrimental to our children’s development, and what to do instead.

Click weturnedoutokay.com/160 for show notes and key links, including to the wonderful conversation I had while sitting out on the playground – where kids played as we spoke – at Miss Tanya’s Nursery School!

Continue reading “Podcast Episode 160: Kids and Conflicts; How to Help – Part 3 in the Open-Ended Play Series”

134: Screwing Up And Why It’s Important – Talking With Mom and New York Times Best-selling Author Jessica Lahey (Rebroadcast)

Get a FREE copy of the book that helps you simultaneously raise kids and stay sane!

What: I’m hosting a live Q&A about the Ninja Parenting Community (not coincidentally, built to help you simultaneously raise kids and stay sane : )

When: Get your questions answered – and get your free copy of the book – on
Thursday, February 2, 2017 8 PM EST

How: Sign up just by clicking the button below!
Click Here to Register

Welcome! To listen, scroll down to the bottom of this post and press the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

Diving into the archives of We Turned Out Okay, and finding wonderfIMG_1927ul shows like this one which you may not have heard before (and will get something out of even if you have heard it already), seems like a fitting start to a new year.

My guest today, Gift of Failure author Jessica Lahey, has helped me in so many ways: to be a better mom, to forgive myself when I screw up, to take the long view on mistakes, thinking not so much about epic fails but instead asking myself “how do I learn from this?” (Jess is also 1/2 of the #amwriting with Jess and KJ duo; click here to check out one of my favorite podcasts, and great if you have any interest in writing or creating!)

I know you’ll learn a lot from our conversation today, thanks for tuning in!

Today’s show is brought to you by the Ninja Parenting Community:

If you like what you hear on We Turned Out Okay, but you feel like it’s not quite enough…
If you want more personal help and advice from me…
The Ninja Parenting Community is the place for you to get that help!

– We’ve got classes, like Sanity With Kids, to help you simultaneously raise your children and retain your sanity
– Parent-Coaching calls: one “starter” call for monthly members and one each quarter for annual members
– Forums where I personally help and advise members – and where we all support each other

Now is the perfect time to join, because you get beta pricing and it’s really built out to help you most.
This coming Friday the cost will double when we leave beta, so click this link to see what it’s all about!

Want a closer look PLUS a free copy of Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, the book I wrote to help you handle everything your child can throw at you?

Come to the live NPC FAQ Q&A!
This coming Thursday night, February 2, at 8 PM EST you can:
look inside the community
listen as I address lots of frequently asked questions
ask your questions!

And just for showing up at the Q&A you’ll receive a free copy of Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics! Up until now the book has only been available in Amazon – get it for free at the Q&A : )

To sign up for the NPC FAQ Q&A – and for notes to today’s show, go to weturnedoutokay.com/134!

About this episode:

Several years ago, today’s guest wrote what was for me an earth-shattering piece in the Atlantic Monthly (read it here). Jessica Lahey’s article discusses an experience she had as a middle school teacher, where she realized a student had plagiarized, called the student’s mom to discuss the failing grade the student would be getting – and the mom said “you can’t fail her…3D-bookshot-wo-border I wrote that paper for her, she has too much on her plate and couldn’t do it herself.”

My guest’s article talks about how, when your mom writes your papers, you are robbed of the experience. It’s one way in which you are not learning how to fall down – by writing a bad paper – and get back up again.

Fast forward to summer 2015, when I heard Jess on the wonderful podcast The Good Life Project, discussing both the article and her new book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. Last December, I attended Jessica’s live presentation about The Gift of Failure, and she graciously offered to come on the podcast; today’s episode is the conversation we had a week or so later, and it’s a great one!

During our conversation, I share that, as a parent, I tried really hard to make sure everything was perfect for my kids when they were little.

I ask Jess: why do we parents do this? She laughs – the sympathetic laugh of a woman who has been in my shoes – and talks about how we want what’s best for them, and we also want that jolt of oxytocin that comes with being depended upon… And then shares about how she moved from encouraging this kind of dependence to seeing her relationship with her kids blossom when she started encouraging their autonomy rather than their dependence upon her.

Highlights from our conversation include:

1) the work of Carol Dweck, a researcher who focuses on the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset; believe me, we want to encourage a growth mindset, the one in which our kids look upon challenges as fun and setbacks as learning experiences instead of a reason to give up

2) the relationship between these three words: autonomy, competence, and connection; one of the major themes in The Gift of Failure, Jess illustrates that as parents, our job is to foster these three traits in our children, they are the key to a good life

3) how to give our kids the gift of failure, without feeling like failures ourselves; there’s a real mind shift that must take place to go from “oh – let me do that for you” to “hey, great job – you worked really hard and did that for yourself!”

Overall, I love our conversation because it’s clear that Jessica Lahey sees both sides of this coin, understands this from the perspective of a parent who doesn’t let her children fall down and figure out how to get back up. In her book, her live presentations, and in this interview she provides a roadmap to give our kids the gift of failure – and understand what a true gift it is.

Trouble with tantrums?

With littles, meltdowns are hard to avoid.

So I came up with the HEART method to help you:
– remain calm
– stop worrying about judginess with public tantrums
– know you’re not alone

To calmly, decisively handle every on of your child’s tantrums, click the button below!

Click Here to Get the Guide

055: How Kids Look at Challenges: A Your Child Explained Episode

3D-bookshot-wo-borderIn this Your Child Explained episode, where we always try to get into the heads of our young kids, we look more closely at how kids face challenges. Today’s show digs more deeply into one aspect of episode 54, which dropped Tuesday and features mom and New York Times best-selling author Jessica Lahey. While episode 54 is not a prerequisite to today’s show, take a listen back if you get the chance because our conversation will really help you wrap your mind around the idea of what works – and what doesn’t – in helping your kids overcome setbacks and challenges.

For the full notes to today’s episode, click here click here to go to weturnedoutokay.com/055… If you’re listening on your iPhone and that link is not clickable, here’s what you do: tap the three little dots on the right, opposite the title of this episode, which pulls up a very useful menu. In that menu, click View Full Description, and that will make the links clickable. Enjoy!

Our young children face challenges every day. Learning how to walk is a challenge, as is learning to talk, creating an epic Lego scene, or cooking pancakes on the stove; all challenges, all opportunities for our kids to fail. At least, before they finally succeed! As Jessica and I talked about on Tuesday, humans must fail in order to learn and eventually succeed.

The first question we need to ask as we look at challenges from the perspective of our children is: is the challenge intrinsically or extrinsically motivated? When it’s a child-driven motivation, like learning to walk or talk, kids will take that challenge and run with it… Failures won’t feel like failures to them, they’ll feel like opportunities for learning.

When the challenge is extrinsically motivated – when, for example, we say to them “it’s time for you to learn to use the potty” and they are not ready – it’s much more difficult for them to find the motivation.

Our second question, once we’ve figured out if the current challenge is an intrinsic or extrinsic one, is: how do we see that challenge from their perspective? And if we can see that… How can we help?

We dig into Carol Dweck’s research here, on growth versus fixed mindset. We want to encourage the growth mindset rather than the fixed, and it’s in our everyday interactions with our children that we can make this happen.

A fixed mindset does not set our children up for success; it sets them up instead to try to be perfect. When you’re trying to be perfect, every challenge is an insurmountable obstacle because you can’t keep up perfection.

A growth mindset sets them up for success because, when we emphasize how impressed we are by the work they are doing (rather than by the outcome of that work), we communicate to them that it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to fall down. Challenges become interesting and fun because, instead of trying to avoid mistakes, our kids are learning from them.

So, it’s much better for our kids when we say to them “wow, I can see you worked really hard on this drawing,” rather than “wow, what a perfect drawing!”

Key links:

My conversation with Jessica Lahey can be heard here.

Click here to check out Jessica’s book, The Gift of Failure.

My book, Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, launches April 3! Click here to get on the prelaunch list, so you’ll know immediately when it goes live in Amazon (where for limited time you’ll be able to get it for free!)

054: Helping Our Kids Learn from Their Mistakes: A Conversation with Mom and New York Times Best-selling Author Jessica Lahey

Welcome!

To listen, scroll down to the bottom of this post and press the triangular “play” button.

About this episode:

Several years ago, today’s guest wrote what was for me an earth-IMG_1927shattering piece in the Atlantic Monthly (read it here). Jessica Lahey’s article discusses an experience she had as a middle school teacher, where she realized a student had plagiarized, called the student’s mom to discuss the failing grade the student would be getting – and the mom said “you can’t fail her… I wrote that paper for her, she has too much on her plate and couldn’t do it herself.”

My guest’s article talks about how, when your mom writes your papers, you are robbed of the experience. It’s one way in which you are not learning how to fall down – by writing a bad paper – and get back up again.

Fast forward to summer 2015, when I heard Jess on the wonderful podcast The Good Life Project, discussing both the article and her new book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. Last December, I attended Jessica’s live presentation about The Gift of Failure, and she graciously offered to come on the podcast; today’s episode is the conversation we had a week or so later, and it’s a great one!

To read more about our conversation, click here to this episode’s notes page at weturnedoutokay.com.

During our 3D-bookshot-wo-borderconversation, I share that, as a parent, I tried really hard to make sure everything was perfect for my kids when they were little.

I ask Jess: why do we parents do this? She laughs – the sympathetic laugh of a woman who has been in my shoes – and talks about how we want what’s best for them, and we also want that jolt of oxytocin that comes with being depended upon… And then shares about how she moved from encouraging this kind of dependence to seeing her relationship with her kids blossom when she started encouraging their autonomy rather than their dependence upon her.

Highlights from our conversation include:

1) the work of Carol Dweck, a researcher who focuses on the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset; believe me, we want to encourage a growth mindset, the one in which our kids look upon challenges as fun and setbacks as learning experiences instead of a reason to give up

2) the relationship between these three words: autonomy, competence, and connection; one of the major themes in The Gift of Failure, Jess illustrates that as parents, our job is to foster these three traits in our children, they are the key to a good life

3) how to give our kids the gift of failure, without feeling like failures ourselves; there’s a real mind shift that must take place to go from “oh – let me do that for you” to “hey, great job – you worked really hard and did that for yourself!”

Overall, I love our conversation because it’s clear that Jessica Lahey sees both sides of this coin, understands this from the perspective of a parent who doesn’t let her children fall down and figure out how to get back up. In her book, her live presentations, and in this interview she provides a roadmap to give our kids the gift of failure – and understand what a true gift it is.

September 2016:

Announcing We Turned Out Okay’s First Online Class!

Want to: Have more self-reliant kids? Cut down on the day-to-day struggles in your home? Discover the #1 mistake parents can make?
Sign up for the FREE online class I’m teaching!

                                                                                  

Class date: Sunday, September 18, 2016
8:15 p.m. EST
Click the big question mark in the picture above to sign up. I’ll see you there!

041: Stop the Holiday Insanity, Part One – The 3 Most Important Gifts You Can Give Your Kids

IMG_1871 Today, the first of the three-part series about stopping the Holiday Insanity by using the three best gifts you can ever give your children, we dive into: Time.

In each of the Just You and Me December episodes – today’s, December 15, and December 29 – we talk about one of these three gifts.

Today’s is time!

For the show notes to this episode, go to the We Turned Out Okay website by clicking this link.

Always, but especially during the busiest times of year (such as the current Holiday Insanity), time for parents of young children is fleeting. And yet, the best yet gift that we can give to them is our time; here are some ways to incorporate time-savers and hacks into your busy parenting life!
1) remember that kids spell time T-I-M-E… as often as you can, try to have a chunk of time with a planned, open-ended something to play with along with your child; play dough, Lego, blank paper and markers or colored pencils all are great for connecting with your child, without a ton of preparation or in-activity thought on your part
2) make the time multifunctional; can she bang pots and pans together on the floor while you make and freeze appetizers or desserts for a family party? Can he play with paper, stickers, envelopes while you stuff and address holiday cards? Can they help you roll out sugar cookie dough? Even if it’s sorting the year-and filing together… It doesn’t matter what it is; it matters that it happens
I do recognize that it’s not easy. Especially during holiday insanity, but at other times of the year too! I’ve “eaten” enough play dough hamburgers in my time to fill a fairly large wastepaper basket, and I’ll say this: at the time, I was ready to gag at the thought of just one more. But now that it’s been five or six years since my boys lost interest in play dough, I’m thankful for every one of those hamburgers, shaped by little fingers and given with love.
As the saying goes, “the days are long, but the years are short.”
Make the most of the time you’ve got with your littles – and give them as much of your time as you possibly can.
Important Links from This Episode
Today, these ideas came up… For more information on each of them, here are the links you’ll need:

My interview with Emily Flake, author of Mama Tried: Dispatches from the Seamy Underbelly of Modern Parenting

Jessica Lahey’s page, where you can read more about her amazing book, The Gift of Failure, and also her article from a few years ago in The Atlantic Monthly

For links to my free gift for you, The 9 1/2 Key Resources for Old-School Parents and Parent Coaching, head to my homepage.

Thanks again for listening! If you liked what you heard today, and think other parents you know would like it too, copying the link and pasting it into your favorite social media outlet is much appreciated! It’s the modern day word-of-mouth, the BEST method for finding new listeners – because if you loved it, you know they will too 🙂