334: How to raise anti-racist kids

I love this portrait of father and son, taken by photographer Blake Nissen and published in the June 7, 2020 edition of the Boston Sunday Globe.

“It’s as if we are going through the 1918 flu pandemic AND the Great Depression AND the Civil Rights era, all at once.” That’s what James Arthur said on his podcast, Minority Korner, in (and about) Spring 2020.
I think he’s right.
To get through it all we are going to have to work together!
That’s the spirit in which I bring you this episode. In this conversation on racial justice between my friend Shane Sams, and his friend Talaat McNeely, Talaat shares that we each must “Make change within our sphere of influence.”
Well, my sphere of influence is in teaching parents like you how to get your family going in the direction you want.
Today I link that idea up with getting this nation going in the direction we want: one in which everyone is treated fairly, and where parents don’t have to worry about their children being harassed, assaulted, or murdered because of how they look.
I hope this episode, all about raising anti-racist kids, will help you make these crucial changes within your sphere of influence.

FYI: Free live training course on raising good, kind kids –
This week I’m doing not one but two live trainings, teaching on how a parent can change a child’s bad behavior to good… and one common mistake that well-meaning parents often make when trying to raise good, kind kids. (In other words, something that ups the bad behavior, when they’re trying to reduce it. It’s not a mistake you want to make.)
Click weturnedoutokay.com/kind to sign up for the live trainings, this coming Thursday, June 11 and Sunday, June 14!

Because of my white privilege, I have been able to insulate myself.
I’ve been able to not see some important truths that have been right in front of me.
I have remained ignorant, when I should have been seeking education.

This week one of my friends, a white man from Kentucky, had an amazing conversation with one of his friends, a Black man from Chicago. Talaat McNeely and Shane Sams spoke for an hour and 45 minutes, and I was astounded and ashamed at the stories Talaat told.
Things that have personally happened to him and his kids, just because of the color of their skin.

I was:
– astounded by the differences in our experiences, Talaat’s and mine, which only came about because he happens to be Black, and I happen to be white. No one should ever, EVER be treated the way Talaat and his family have been treated.

– ashamed because I let it happen.
The simple fact that it is happening means that I have not done enough to stop it.

Talaat shares five key steps that we can take to stop racism.
(I don’t remember to bring up the first and most important one until we’re almost at the very end of today’s episode, so all along you’ll hear me talk about four key steps… But that first one is most important. Talaat brings it up right at the beginning of his conversation with Shane. It’s something you hear me talk about on the show again and again, and I still can’t believe it took me until the last part of this episode to talk about it in connection with stopping racism.)

There are about a million links today, so for those and a description of the five key steps we can take to stop racism – to raise anti-racist kids – click the following link: weturnedoutokay.com/334.

We need each other now, more than ever.
If you are reading this and you’re a person who (as the Black Panthers used to say) is Black or oppressed, you have my empathy, and my pledge to become educated instead of remaining ignorant about what has happened to you, and the part I have played in your troubles.
If you’re a person of privilege, I hope that like me, you’re open to moving forward on the path from ignorance, to education. And from there to support.
We will get through this together <3 Continue reading “334: How to raise anti-racist kids”

Three ways to deal with the gimmes | Podcast episode 257

Let’s just say it: at this time of year, we don’t always get the best behavior from our kids.
They’re overstimulated. They’re out of routine. In many end-of-year traditions they are being showered with gifts.

This can make them forget that life is about so much more than receiving presents from everybody who walks through the door (or whose door they walk through.)

So, today I wanted to help you deal with the gimmes!

Listen for three ways to gently help your child step away from the gifts.

Go to weturnedoutokay.com/257 for:

  • My cheat sheet on dealing with the gimmes
  • A free PDF that you can download called “Three principles of kids and gifts”
  • The scoop on my latest book, just out! One reviewer says “If you’re ready for communication and mutual respect to replace chaos and misbehavior, do yourself a favor and read 10 Secrets Happy Parents Know.
  • The video of the week: “Teaching a child that it’s better to give than to receive”

And thank you so much for listening!

Temper Tantrums and Potty Training:

During today’s break I share about two helpful free guides I offer.
While the podcast is long-form – your opportunity to look into the mind of a child development expert – the free guides are super quick.

You can watch the video, read the checklist, and immediately handle the temper tantrums or get started with potty training (depending on which guide you choose : )

  • Click here for the FREE video and checklist to handle every temper tantrum
  • Click here for the FREE video and checklist to successfully potty train your child

Continue reading “Three ways to deal with the gimmes | Podcast episode 257”

040: What Happens When We Treat Our Kids Too Preciously – A Your Child Explained Episode

Tuesday’s guest – cartoonist and author Emily Flake – and I had a great conversation (although, full of swears and subject matter totally inappropriate for work or children – please take note 🙂 about modern parenting, but even with nearly an hour to talk we didn’t cover everything I wanted to cover.

Which leads to today’s Your Child Explained, episodes in which we are always looking right into the brains of our kids and figuring out what makes them tick. In her book, Mama Tried: Dispatches From The Seamy Underbelly of Modern Parenting, Emily shares that her older sister got pregnant and had a baby at age 17 – when Emily herself was just 13. The difference in how these two sisters were treated by the people around them while pregnant can’t be understated; Emily’s sister got a tremendously judgy and shaming vibe at 17, whereas Emily heard all about the “wonderful journey” that she and her husband were now on, while she was pregnant at age 34.

It really got me to thinking about what it means for our kids when we treat them too preciously – when we take care of their every need and want long after they’re too small to take care of themselves. Kids treated as if they’ll break at any moment come to believe that the world exists for their comfort and enjoyment only. This is dangerous, for the child and for our society.

The date this episode airs happens to be Thanksgiving Day of 2015, and it is in the spirit that I ask the question: what’s the opposite of believing that the world exists for your comfort and enjoyment? I think the answer is believing that we exist to serve – that serving in some way creates a feedback loop that makes us happy and filled with gratitude…

It’s a shift that paradoxically gives us the comfort and enjoyment we seek.

And it’s our responsibility to start teaching our kids early to serve others – for their own comfort and enjoyment.

How do we do that when they’re small? Well, letting them contribute to your family through housework and cooking, helping them understand that giving of themselves and their abilities is what will bring them the most comfort and enjoyment – that seems like a pretty good start to me.

Happy Thanksgiving, I hope you’re having the kind of Thanksgiving that is just perfect for you and I hope you know how grateful I am that you are listening to me today!