Month: February 2017

140: How to Be Happier In Your Parenting: A Conversation with Mom, Author, Columnist and New York Times Contributing Editor KJ Dell’ Antonia

Posted by Karen Lock Kolp on in Guest Interview, Podcast Episode

Welcome! To listen to today’s episode, scroll down to the bottom of the page and click the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

Today’s guest didn’t set out to be a writer. But after getting her law degree and being a practicing attorney for six years, she made a discovery: law just wasn’t her thing; instead, she found, she was a writer.

In the spirit of finding stuff out through writing, KJ Dell’Antonia began freelancing about motherhood; she’s written for Slate magazine, Parenting magazine, Parents magazine, and many others. She is now a contributing editor and columnist on the Well Family page at the New York Times, and currently on book leave to write – what else? – a book that’s going to help us be happier in our parenting.

KJ shares where her research for this as-yet-unnamed parenting book is taking her, and you’re going to be thrilled because she’s investigating all the problems that you are most likely currently living with!

To find out how to handle getting your kids to do more around the house, how to help with homework, and how to be a part of KJ’s chores project (i.e.: getting your kids to do more chores) click weturnedoutokay.com/140!

Today’s episode is brought to you by the Ninja Parenting Community:

Do you struggle to manage your child’s behavior at home?
Is she in trouble at school or child care?
Is he starting to think of himself as a “bad kid” – even though you know he’s not?

Get the expert advice, training courses, and support you need…

To help your children, but especially to help yourself.
The Ninja Parenting Community teaches moms and dads just like you to get into their best parenting mindset and thus be happier, less stressed, and more confident in parenting and beyond.

Click here to learn more about the Ninja Parenting Community, and start worrying less and enjoying more at home!

Guess what the vast majority of parents struggle with on a day-to-day basis?

KJ’s done extensive research on this, even commissioning a study with 1000 parents, for her upcoming book.

Her research shows that most parents struggle with one concept:

Discipline.

(I know… It sounded familiar to me too.)

Today, KJ shares how discipline wends its way through everything else in our parenting lives: chores, homework, consistency.

KJ is currently running a free project for parents (herself included : )
Click here to see what it’s all about!
Also! In our conversation today I bring up the concept of not moving kids’ walls… And KJ honored me by using this concept in week three of her chore challenge! Click here to read more : )

You can also find KJ:
on instagram here; and on twitter here.

She’s really fun to connect with out in the social media world, and not just for the adorable and funny Playmobil pictures she posts!

Click here to check out Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics: Key Tools to Handle Every Temper Tantrum, Keep Your Cool, and Enjoy Life With Your Young Child in Amazon; you can even read the introduction for free to determine if my book will be helpful to you.

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139: 3 Ways to Help Your Anxious Child

Posted by Karen Lock Kolp on in Just You and Me, Podcast Episode

Welcome! To listen to today’s episode, scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post and hit the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

When listener Marcy wrote recently, asking for help with her son, whom “counselors and therapists believe may be suffering from depression and anxiety,” and the decision to either keep him in school or pull him out to homeschool, I initially thought I’d answer her question in a Your Child Explained episode, and address the school-homeschool decision.

On reflection, however, I saw something bigger in Marcy’s question and decided to focus this Just You and Me episode on the bigger issue: how to help when a child is anxious or depressed.

Kids can be anxious and/or depressed for any number of reasons.

As parents, even if we are not completely sure what’s causing the worries and anxiety, it’s our job to do everything we can to help.

Click weturnedoutokay.com/139 to read Marcy’s full question and the three ways I identify to help, as well as links to other helpful resources!

Today’s show is brought to you by the We Turned Out Okay free guide to Handling Every Temper Tantrum:

With littles, meltdowns are hard to avoid.

So I came up with the HEART method to help you:
– remain calm
– stop worrying about judginess with public tantrums
– know you’re not alone

To calmly, decisively handle every on of your child’s tantrums, click the button below!

Click Here to Get the Guide

 

Marcy writes:
“Hello, I have a 12-year-old son in 6 grade. He has been refusing to go to school on and off ever since fifth grade. We’ve taken him to counselors and therapists and they believe he may be suffering from depression and anxiety. We are scheduling a meeting with a child psychologist. His teachers enjoy having him in class and he understands his assignments and subjects. He just says it’s too boring and you don’t have enough time to talk to friends when you are in school.
In the meantime, do you have any suggestions on how to get him to school or should we just homeschool or online school? His teachers, counselors, and therapists don’t suggest we go down the homeschool online route.
HELP!!!!”

As I try to do whenever y’all write in with a question, I sent Marcy book suggestions that I thought would help her make the decision about whether to keep her son in school or begin homeschooling.

Then, as I was preparing to answer this question in the podcast, I realized that it’s a much bigger question than To School or Not To School.

Regardless of whether Marcy’s son stays in school or comes out, he still has anxiety and depression. And, while I’m not a therapist or psychologist, my training and experience as a teacher and parent helped me identify three important factors in aiding our anxious children:

1) Spend time with them.
Especially, spend time doing the things that your kids love to do: throwing a ball together, swimming, stamp-collecting, play dough – it doesn’t matter as long as it’s together time WITHOUT screens.

2) Listen to them; answer their questions.
This can be harder than it appears! Listening requires setting aside our own ideas and expectations, to truly hear what our sons and daughters have to say.
Marcy, because your son is articulating that he is bored in school and doesn’t feel that he has enough time for friends there, I believe that if you can find ways to alleviate the boredom and help him connect with friends, that may be something that’s truly helpful in your situation.
As we listen to our kids talk, we also need to especially listen for their questions, which won’t always be in the form of questions.
Is the child looking for reassurance that you’ll help him get through a certain situation? Is she looking for your ideas to help her come through this tough time? Do they just need a hug and your communication that you understand what they’re going through?
Knowing that your mom or dad is in your corner – that they’re always there for you even if you’ve gotten in trouble or don’t know what to do – is what 2) is all about.

3) Adopt and keep a solid routine.
Eating dinner together as a family, limiting screens in the hours before bedtime, making sure kids are in bed in time for a good night’s sleep – these are key to helping children surmount anxiety and depression.

Key Links:

Click here for last week’s episode, my conversation with licensed mental health counselor Janine Halloran of copingskillsforkids.com.

Click here for author Alfie Kohn’s Amazon page; Alfie’s entire career has been spent learning about kids’ reactions to school and he’s got many great suggestions on the best mindset we can have as parents about kids and school.

Click here to look into the book I wrote about every day discipline, Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, and here to learn more about the Ninja Parenting Community, where I get to work more closely with you if you’re worried about your child (or your own sanity while you raise him or her).

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138: A Method to Avoid While Potty Training – Answering A Listener Question in this Your Child Explained Episode

Posted by Karen Lock Kolp on in Podcast Episode, Your Child Explained

Welcome! To listen to today’s episode, scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post and click the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

I’ve been really wanting to do a show on potty training, but I’ve held back for a few reasons: one biggie is that I just haven’t found a great book on the subject, and another is that my experience potty training my oldest was really tough!

But recently I heard from listener Erika, who had this to say:
“I have to have the most stubborn child on the planet and have tried everything I can think of. Rewards, candy, bribes, consequences, charts, toys, reverse psychology. I am out of ideas and at my wits end.”

Erika goes on to say that her son has twice been completely potty trained – and has regressed. She’s very worried because he will start kindergarten in the fall and she’s concerned about the social aspects of that, harassment by other kids, etc.…

Very similar, in fact, to how I was feeling when my oldest was totally not into potty training!

And so today we take on possibly one of the biggest, scariest subjects in all of parenting young children…

Go to weturnedoutokay.com/138 for show notes and to listen to this episode!

Today’s show is brought to you by the We Turned Out Okay free guide to Handling Every Temper Tantrum:

With littles, meltdowns are hard to avoid.

So I came up with the HEART method to help you:
– remain calm
– stop worrying about judginess with public tantrums
– know you’re not alone

To calmly, decisively handle every on of your child’s tantrums, click the button below!

Click Here to Get the Guide

 

I told Erika that, instead of having a book to recommend (as I usually do when somebody has a question for me), for her I have one to avoid: Toilet Training in Less Than One Day, a book which I tried to use when training my oldest – it was an epic fail.

I tried so hard to follow all the directions in this book, and I had really high expectations for training; the end of that “one day” found my then-three-year-old running around upstairs, underwear-and diaper-free – and me in the basement, waiting for his underwear to be dry, in tears and being talked off the ledge by a best buddy on the phone!

That night, as I was returning the book to the library, I got the best advice I’d had yet:
“don’t worry about the potty training.”

We’re really lucky in our library to have several beloved librarians, and this advice came from one of my favorites, mom to several adult children. She told me: “little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems. Don’t worry about the potty training.”

Somehow that took a ton of stress off my shoulders! She assured me that my three-year-old would (eventually) be potty trained, and in fact it took quite a while longer for him. But he was fully trained by the time he went to kindergarten – as predicted by the librarian, and Erika, that is the advice I have for you today.

– Don’t stress. You rightly share that you know he has to at least have some motivation; remember that piece of knowledge as you work with him to get trained before kindergarten.
– Lots of kids have accidents, even in kindergarten; even if this happens to your son and even if he is made fun of, he will be okay… In listening to this episode you’ll hear me sharing about what it finally took to get me to willingly wash my face – at age 9! (Hint: it was peer pressure and not my folks : )

I hope this Your Child Explained helps!

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137: How to Help Your Child Curb Stress and Anxiety: A Conversation with Mom and Mental Health Counselor Janine Halloran

Posted by Karen Lock Kolp on in Guest Interview, Podcast Episode

Welcome! To listen to today’s episode, scroll all the way down to the bottom and hit the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

Lots of things can happen over the course of a day to make us all feel anxious…How does your child handle anxiety?

Today’s guest is a true play specialist.

Today licensed mental health counselor, play expert, and mom-to-2 Janine Halloran gives us some wonderful – and very specific – tools to help our kids handle stress.

True to the nature of We Turned Out Okay, my hour-long conversation with Janine covers lots more than this! Janine and her family are spending the year in California, clear across the country from their home in Massachusetts; we talk about how and why the Hallorans took on this move. We also dig into the concept of fidgets, devices to help people concentrate better – and this podcaster realizes that fidgets are more of a thing – in her own life – then she realized.

To read about Janine’s stress-busting advice, get links to some great books about play and her websites on encouraging play and teaching children coping skills, and to listen to the show click weturnedoutokay.com/137!

Today’s episode is brought to you by the Ninja Parenting Community:

Do you struggle to manage your child’s behavior at home?
Is she in trouble at school or child care?
Is he starting to think of himself as a “bad kid” – even though you know he’s not?

Get the expert advice, training courses, and support you need…

To help your children, but especially to help yourself.
The Ninja Parenting Community teaches moms and dads just like you to get into their best parenting mindset and thus be happier, less stressed, and more confident in parenting and beyond.

Click here to learn more about the Ninja Parenting Community, and start worrying less and enjoying more at home!

“Trust your gut… Go with it… Help your kid.”
– Janine Halloran, in today’s conversation

As parents we often don’t realize the kind of power we have to help our children surmount the anxieties and stresses they may be feeling.

Janine suggests:
– spend time with kids and observe their behavior; kids don’t say to us “I am worried… I am stressed out…” The only way to truly understand the cause of their anxieties is observation.
– kids might be anxious for any number of reasons; even if it’s tough to determine the cause, we can still help… We can teach coping mechanisms, we can listen if our kids are able to talk about their fears, we can support them by spending time with them, talking to them, reading with them, showing them in our behavior how to best handle stress and anxiety
– we can encourage the use of fidgets! The idea of a piece of Velcro under a desk, putty or play dough to squeeze, or a small ribbon or piece of felt to hold – specifically to help people concentrate – is new to me.

Fidgets were a true revelation: it turns out I use them for myself all the time!

Maybe you do, too.
(If you’re a hair twirler, you most certainly are using a fidget : )

Key Links

Click here for Janine’s Coping Skills for Kids website; click here for her Encourage Play website. In both places you’ll find more resources and suggestions for alleviating stress and encouraging curiosity and creativity.

To listen to my first conversation with Janine, click here.

Click here to check out Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics: Key Tools to Handle Every Temper Tantrum, Keep Your Cool, and Enjoy Life With Your Young Child in Amazon; you can even read the introduction for free to determine if my book will be helpful to you.

Here is the link to Not A Box; click here for Not A Stick; click here for the Loose Parts book; and here for the book about Owen and his blanky.

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Special Announcement: Come Join The Free 10-Day Friendly Mirror Challenge!

Posted by Karen Lock Kolp on in bonus, Podcast Episode

Note (2/13/17) : The Friendly Mirror 10-day Challenge is currently closed to new participants.
Stay tuned, because soon the Challenge will be open again!

As a podcaster who helps you advocate better for your young children, I meet and hear from an awful lot of you who are… Unhappy. Stuck. Sinking under all your worries and fears for your children – and awfully hard on yourselves.

In January I did two episodes about goal-setting and affirmations, and I shared about one particular life-changing exercise I’ve done every night for more than a year: speaking to myself in the mirror.

That idea resonated with a lot of you – but you had a hard time imagining how to begin, or even believing you could really speak to yourself in your own mirror.

So I’ve created a free, 10-Day challenge… I called it The Friendly Mirror because I do hope that, by the end of the challenge, you’ll be doing this exercise too.

Maybe you think that self-acceptance and self-forgiveness are fine for other people, but not for you (I know I used to feel this way.)

I work with a lot of moms and dads who struggle with this – and the struggle 100% affects their parenting, and thus their kids.

If you need a kick in the pants – or a guide into the world of not scowling in the mirror – then sign up for my free Friendly Mirror 10-day challenge!

The Challenge will be conducted via video modules and a live interactive training session; specifically, each day for 10 days you’ll get the latest video module, sometimes with a mini-assignment to complete if you choose. We’ll wrap up with a live training session to answer your questions and work on keeping our great momentum going…

Click here to sign up!

Or – click here to go to the private Facebook group I’ve set up for our challenge.

Or, click here to sign up for the challenge on the post for this special announcement.

I really hope you’ll join the challenge!

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136: How Making Friends With The Person In The Mirror Helps Your Kids

Posted by Karen Lock Kolp on in Just You and Me, Podcast Episode

Note (2/13/17) : The Friendly Mirror 10-day Challenge is currently closed to new participants.
Stay tuned, because soon the Challenge will be open again!

Maybe you think that self-acceptance and self-forgiveness are fine for other people, but not for you (I know I used to feel this way.)

I work with a lot of moms and dads who struggle with this – and the struggle 100% affects their parenting, and thus their kids.

If you need a kick in the pants – or a guide into the world of not scowling in the mirror – then sign up for my free Friendly Mirror 10-day challenge!

The Challenge will be conducted via video modules and a live interactive training session; specifically, each day for 10 days you’ll get the latest video module, sometimes with a mini-assignment to complete if you choose. We’ll wrap up with a live training session to answer your questions and work on keeping our great momentum going…

Click here to sign up!

The idea of goals is really resonating with y’all right now, judging from my inbox, Facebook page, and podcast download statistics…
Today we spend a little bit more time on this track, when I extend on listener Eri’s question about how the ability to accept and forgive ourselves impacts our children.

Each night for a little over a year, I have had a very specific conversation.

In the mirror, with myself.

Today I teach you exactly how to have that conversation – and why it’s so important.

For key links including to the books I reference in today’s episode, for written directions to the nightly mirror conversation, and to listen go to https://weturnedoutokay.com/136!

If you’re a little freaked out about talking to yourself in the mirror, maybe it’s because you struggle with the ideas of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness in general…

Here’s how to overcome that and talk with yourself each night in the mirror:

1) Commit to at least three months of doing this each night. After that, as Jack Canfield says in his book The Success Principles, you can decide if you want to keep it up. (I’ve kept it up for more than fifteen months now, and expect to do it for the rest of my life – that’s how important this exercise is for myself… and my family.)
I wrote the 3-month end date on my calendar, so I could decide at that point whether to keep going with it or not.
I loved the idea of just doing it until my calendar told me to make the decision; by that time, I knew I was committed for life.

2) Tonight, stand in the mirror and smile at yourself.

3) Speak out loud, telling yourself about the good things you accomplished today, expressing gratitude about anything good that happened to you today, forgiving yourself if you didn’t hit a goal or committed an action that you’re unhappy with; hurting feelings, overeating, missing a workout or job-related goal.
Use your name: “hey ______, you had a really great day today…”

4) At the end of your chat with yourself, tell yourself “good night, I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow night.”

It’s really hard to hate yourself AND simultaneously have this conversation/smile at yourself in the mirror.
As a result you are holding yourself accountable – to yourself.

When you disappoint yourself, you’ll find it easier to forgive yourself in the mirror; forgiving yourself raises the empathy level; raising the empathy level helps you view loved ones, especially children, with empathy instead of anger if they do something wrong…

And now you’re able to forgive them, too.

You’re able to be the mentor they need… Someone they can trust; someone who will help them forgive themselves.

And now there’s this great virtuous circle going on!

I know how “woo-woo California” this all sounds, and all I can say is it’s been the most powerful force for good in my life.

Don’t knock it till you try it!

Key Links:

Click here for the Friendly Mirror Facebook group.

Click here to sign up for the daily 10-day Friendly Mirror challenges (starting Monday, February 13).

Click here for the Amazon link to Jack Canfield’s The Success Principles.

Click here for Sarah ban Breathnach’s wonderful book, Simple Abundance.

Click here for episode 130, our second annual goal-setting episode, and here for episode 135, in which I answer Eri’s question about affirmations and self-acceptance/forgiveness.

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135: How and Why to “be a better example for” your kids: A Your Child Explained Episode

Posted by Karen Lock Kolp on in Podcast Episode, Your Child Explained

Get a FREE copy of the book that helps you simultaneously raise kids and stay sane!

What: I’m hosting a live Q&A about the Ninja Parenting Community (not coincidentally, built to help you simultaneously raise kids and stay sane : )

When: Get your questions answered – and get your free copy of the book – on
Thursday, February 2, 2017 8 PM EST

How: Sign up just by clicking the button below!
Click Here to Register

 

Welcome!

To listen to today’s episode, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the post and click the triangular “play” button. Enjoy the show!

Remember a few weeks ago, when I got emotional about talking to myself in the mirror every night? (Listen to that episode, We Turned Out Okay’s second annual goal-setting episode, by clicking here.)
If you struggle with self-acceptance and self-forgiveness – and if you also want to be a better example for your child – click this link to listen to today’s episode! You can read the full text of listener Eri’s question about how her struggle with self-acceptance could negatively impact her 14-month-old daughter – as well as watch my new favorite YouTube video in which a preschool-age girl stands on her bathroom vanity and cheerfully shouts affirmations for herself in the mirror – and sign up for tonight’s live FAQ about the Ninja Parenting Community by clicking this link:
The idea of confronting ourselves in the mirror each day is really resonating (in fact I’m planning a Just You and Me episode on this, so stay tuned) – but many people struggle with the idea of thinking positively about themselves at all.
Today’s Your Child Explained episode addresses this very issue – while answering listener Eri’s question:
“Like many people, I’m very hard on myself and I know things would be better if I could be more accepting and forgiving. I also think that this attitude would be a better example for my little girl. Self-acceptance seems to be so difficult for women and girls in our culture… It’s definitely something I think about in regards to my 14-month-old daughter as I look toward her future.
“I listened to [episode 130] last night, and was really touched by your candor and depth of feeling. I’ve heard of affirmations before and I admit to dismissing them as “not for me.” Well, after listening to you, I’d like to give it a try.
“How do I start?”

Today’s show is brought to you by the Ninja Parenting Community:

If you like what you hear on We Turned Out Okay, but you feel like it’s not quite enough…
If you want more personal help and advice from me…
The Ninja Parenting Community is the place for you to get that help!

– We’ve got classes, like Sanity With Kids, to help you simultaneously raise your children and retain your sanity
– Parent-Coaching calls: one “starter” call for monthly members and one each quarter for annual members
– Forums where I personally help and advise members – and where we all support each other

Now is the perfect time to join, because you get beta pricing and it’s really built out to help you most.
This coming Friday the cost will double when we leave beta, so click this link to see what it’s all about!

Want a closer look PLUS a free copy of Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, the book I wrote to help you handle everything your child can throw at you?

Come to the live NPC FAQ Q&A!
This coming Thursday night, February 2, at 8 PM EST you can:
– look inside the community
– listen as I address lots of frequently asked questions
– ask your questions!

And just for showing up at the Q&A you’ll receive a free copy of Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics! Up until now the book has only been available in Amazon – get it for free at the Q&A : )

To sign up for the NPC FAQ Q&A – and for notes to today’s show, go to weturnedoutokay.com/135!

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